Comedian on Comedians

An insightful interview with Jeff Garlin of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame. He offers the first thoughtful analysis of the Michael Richards meltdown that I've read:

"You know, I had stopped playing that club a while before that happened to Michael. I'd been on the same bill with him before at The Comedy Store, and two months before he had his problem—I'm not even making this up—there was a night when the audience was 90 percent underage Korean kids. Now at the time, I'm probably a 43-year-old Jewish man. What living experience do I have to share with a room full of drunk Korean kids with fake IDs? As they say in Sweden, it's just not my audience. I'm having trouble as it is, and then behind me, one of the kids gets up onstage and starts taking pictures of his friends, from the stage. I felt something behind me, I turned around, and I came so close to punching this kid, just out of reflex, you know? But instead of punching him, I did what Michael Richards should have done. I put the mic down, and I walked out, and I never went back. When you allow 18-year-olds in the club, you know there are 16- and 17-year-olds there too, so you know that's not a good place to do comedy. So when Michael went up there, I'm sure he was very frustrated, and thought he was being interesting with his choices. I don't know that he thought he was being funny, but he thought he was being interesting, and obviously said the most ignorant things he could possibly say. And now he's out of show business."

Also, he confirms that Eddie Murphy is the funniest person in the world. Now, if he'd only start doing some decent movies:

I found myself on a set co-starring with Eddie Murphy [Daddy Day Care]. And he let me do most of the funny stuff, which surprised me. He was really generous. And I think he's the funniest person I've ever worked with. What I mean by that is: I'm very confident in my comedic ability. I think I'm very funny. And something would happen on the set, and I'd think of something funny to say, and before I could say anything, around the time I would think it, Eddie would say something. And I'm not exaggerating when I say this: A hundred out of a hundred times, what he said was funnier than what I was going to say. There was not even once where I went, "Oh, mine was funnier." No, he was funnier every single time. That really blew my mind.

And how was your summer vacation?

Sorry for helping NBC out with their promotions, but if you love the Office as much as we do, you'll probably enoy this.

Stage Blood

Actor quote of the day: "I seemed to have stabbed myself."

Actually, he handled it pretty well. Tried to keep going, "but my boot was filling up with blood and I was flubbing my lines, wondering if I was going to pass out, wondering if the audience could see the blood." That's impressive.

Me? I've been bloodied on stage, had a sword pierce my shirt and miss my chest by inches and even broken three ribs in a poorly-executed pratfall.

They never tell you about that shit in acting school.

Thanks, Joe!

Go Iowa Go!

Iowa has always been a red state - in my mind anyway. But now, "An Iowa district court ruled Thursday that same-sex couples can marry based on the state constitution's guarantee of equal treatment..."

Very impressive, Iowa. You can stay up late and watch T.V. tonight.

And maybe I can finally get this impression of Iowa off the top of my mind:

Legendary

Had we gone to college with this guy in the 80s, we would be dead by now.

Suspended? For this?

When I was a sophomore (or was I a junior?) in high school, our football team went 0-10. A very good friend of mine, who was the morning announcer over the school's PA system was pulled off the job after his third or fourth Monday morning of sarcastically re-capping the previous Friday's game.

A few students at Hilliard Davidson High School executed a "legendary prank" against their rivals, Hilliard Darby High School. Suspensions and more followed. Too harsh? You betcha. Worth it? Hell yes!

"Some students consider the penalty harsh and want to organize a petition in an attempt to help them.

Garchar isn't too concerned.

'If you're going to do a senior prank, you want it to be remembered,' he said yesterday."

Best band Sub Pop ever had...

Latest update on our fave antipodean sensations. Quick, hurry up and enjoy them now before they get too popular and become lame. Like these guys.

Start your day off right

Grab that cup of coffee. Maybe a strudel, donut or possibly some bacon too. Sit back and enjoy Feist backed up by Broken Social Scene, Grizzly Bear, the National, New Pornographers' Carl and Christy Newman and Nicole Atkins, for a performance of '1234.'



If your day didn't just get a little better, fuck you.

Thanks, Pop Candy

Who's a nasty, naughty bad bad boy?

It's you, Senator. You're a nasty boy. Hey, get that foot out of here. What the hell are you doing?

Beautiful Guns

Here's a beautiful anti-gun-crime airing in the UK:



But as the Copyranter points out at Gawker, it does kinda make you want to go shoot stuff.

The Boss is back

Bruce Springsteen is offering a free download of his awesome new song Radio Nowhere. It's great to hear him rocking again. The Seeger Sessions and Devils & Dust were good and all, but it's good to have the Boss back - uptempo and rockin'....

Another Sign of the End

"A troop of monkeys is giving Kenyan villagers long days and sleepless nights, destroying crops and causing a food crisis."

If one of them is named Cornelius, we have a serious problem on our hands.

Tap some ass

In this wonderful story of yet more Republican hypocrisy, readers can learn the best methods for engaging in lewd airport bathroom sex:

"According to Roll Call, the arresting officer alleged that Craig lingered outside a restroom stall where the officer was sitting, then entered the stall next door and blocked the door with his luggage.

According to the arrest report cited by Roll Call, Craig tapped his right foot, which the officer said he recognized "as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct."

The report alleges Craig then touched the officer's foot with his foot and the senator "proceeded to swipe his hand under the stall divider several times," according to Roll Call.

At that point, the officer said he put his police identification down by the floor so Craig could see it and informed the senator that he was under arrest, before any sexual contact took place."

Well, that would certainly be a buzz kill....

First Strange Effects Video Released!

Michael Vick Resigns as Attorney General

I'll admit that it's a stretch to connect the pleading guilty to the resigning.

But it sure took less time for the public to show their hatred for the football player that betrayed their misplaced fan adoration than for the unsavory practices from the official appointed to enforce our nation's idea of justice.

Do we need a National Minister of Priorities? Oh wait, that's the public's job.

For Your Safety - Burger King, Portland, Oregon 2am Saturday morning

What the fuck? "Coasting devices"? What corporate moron thought up that terminology? You mean "skateboards", you idiot?

And what is an altered non-motorized vehicle? Like, a bike with a banana seat? And does that mean "regular" bikes are allowed?

The real question is - what happened at this Burger King that was so awful that this sign had to be made?

mumblecore

Joe Swanberg, one of our former co-workers here at place of employment has become an icon of this new indie film movement. Front page of the Sunday New York Times Arts section? Dude, you are golden. Maybe now your parents will forgive you for masturbating on camera. Not on a camera, to clarify - actually it was in the shower.

I think that may be one of the true signs of a real artist - to do things in public that would just kill your parents. That is, of course, if you like your parents.

The true sign of someone who is not an artist is doing horrible things in public in hopes of getting back at parents you hate. These people are known as strippers and Republicans.

For the record, I like my parents and would really hate to upset them. That's why they don't know about this blog.

(I can't swear to this, but that may be the most italics I have ever used in one post...)

Into the Sun

Here's a pretty cool video from King Black Acid, a band I was in around the turn of the century. I actually play keyboards on this recording, but I was long out of the band by the time this video was made. Sean, the guy playing drums, is actually the other keyboard player. I guess they were between drummers when they shot this. Main man Daniel always had a hard time keeping a band together. Sarah on guitar is the only other person in this video besides Daniel and Sean who actually played on the recording. Props to the non visible real rhythm section, Erick and Scotty.

What are you doing tonight?

Who, me? Oh, well, I'm playing a show at the Mt Tabor Legacy. Funny you should ask. Yeah, it's our last show for a month, so it's probably a good chance to see us, with it being a Friday night and all....

Photo taken in the Liberty Lounge by MJT.

Edgefield confirms that they do not intend to serve "prison food".

A follow- up on my Wilco concert/burrito review. An email from McMenamin's HQ:

"Hi Peter

Thank you for your feedback, we fully appreciate any and all customer comments. As I am sure you are aware, this is our first full year of hosts these concerts and we are continuing to reassess all aspects of our venue and we are still very much in the evolutionary process.

But to be very honest with you Peter, your comments about the food quality in the venue are the first we have received hrough our first eight shows. Regarding our pricing, we feel we pretty competitive in that area based on concession pricing that other larger concert venues in our area charge. But we will certainly take your perspective into account when we recap with our food and beverage department at the end of the year and begin planning for next year, as it is never our intention to serve "prison food or cardboard" to our patrons. Again thank you for attending the show and for taking the time to send us our feedback.

Cheers,
Jeff XXXX
Edgefield Property Manager"

I am strangely honored that I am the first person to complain! Me, of all the tens of thousands of people that have gone to shows there this summer! Mom always told me that I was special. I am the ONLY ONE who cares about the quality of their burritos. Or, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's my taste buds that are faulty. Perhaps we could have a burrito taste-off. The Edgefield could bring on of their burritos that 10,000 people reportedly enjoy, and I will bring one from one of the rat carts outside my office building and we can compare.

P.S. I should mention that I really don't know what prison food tastes like. I used that phrase becasue the Edgefield is located next to an actual prison, and I was afraid that they used the same caterers.

P.P.S. The picture above does not display the actual burrito.

Someone actually did go broke broke underestimating the taste of the American public

Most monumental album flops of all time.

And a tip of the hat to H. L. Mencken.

The Dead Guy Scroll

Well, CNN is now telling us that people no longer read. And why should they? Like the guys says in the article "Fiction just doesn't interest me. If I'm going to get a story, I'll get a movie."

Sigh.

So, instead of getting depressed, I'll share a story about the 50th anniversary of Jack Kerouac's On the Road. God, I loved this book when I was a young pup. It certainly inspired at least one cross-country road trip - and made touring in a rock band that didn't get along bearable for a few years. The amazing thing about the book is that he typed the entire thing on one long roll of paper - a scroll, if you will. Yeah, you gotta love amphetamines.

Now for the big five-oh they're actually selling the unedited scroll. I'm gonna put that sucker in my player piano and really freak some people out.

Live Concert review: Wilco at McMenamin's Edgefield, Troutdale, Oregon, 8/26/07

Actual email sent this morning to McMenamin's HQ:

"The food you served at the Wilco concert last night was awful, not to mention highly over priced. That was the worst chicken burrito I've ever eaten - it was like prison food! And the cheeesburger reportedly tasted like cardboard. Everyone I spoke to that has gone and seen a show out there has remarked on how terrible the food is.

Also, the drinks are way overpriced. Nine dollars for a shot of tequila? Give me a break. What a rip off. I spent almost 20 bucks on a disgusting burrito and a shot of tequila. Do you really need to gouge us like that?

I'll definitely have second thoughts on going to see a show at this venue again. Which is a shame, since everything else about it is great. Beautiful setting and good, clear sound. You need to fix the food pronto.

Sincerely,

Pete Best

No Commentary Necessary

British dwarf's penis gets stuck to hoover

The "1980's Stand Up Hack Theme That's Still True" of the Day

And what is up with the people in line at convenience stores these days? I'm there, grabbing...I don't know...a Coke, some Junior Mints and my monthly copy of Jugs, like a normal guy, you know. Hey, I already loaded up on the condoms, if you know what I mean. But anyway, there's this lady in front of me, picking up a pack of smokes, a huge muffin and her daily dose of lonely despair at the probable fact that she'll live alone for the rest of her life. So anyway, she puts her shit on the counter, watches the cashier dude ring her up - as if she's never been "rung up" in her life, if you know what I mean - and waits to hear the total. THEN AND ONLY THEN DOES SHE REACH INTO HER PURSE TO PAY! What's up with that? Like she didn't know she'd have to pay? Like the cashier was gonna have one look at her and go, "You know. You seem like a nice lady. How about today you don't pay me and just walk out the door?" Seriously. There I am right behind her with my pop, candy and porn and I have a twenty just waiting in my hand. WHY? Because I'm in a hurry lady. I've got 30 glossy pages of big boobs just waiting for me and you're just now counting out a bunch of crumpled singles and fishing for change? Seriously. Go back to your cats and quilts, lady. I'm on a mission and you're just pissing me off.

Gorn? When did I have Gorn?

In a tip-of-the-cap to our old friend, Stroke, I offer you the Star Trek Inspirational Posters.



Thanks, Presurfer

Late to the Party

I've always been something of a late bloomer. There are several examples of this (which we will have to explore some other time), though musical tastes seem to be the big standout. Regardless, it wasn't until my mid-to-late 20s that I finally turned on to Bob Dylan. Even now, so many years later, I'm no aficionado like some people I know, but I am a fan nevertheless. And I've always been thrilled by great acting. Hopefully both can come together well in the upcoming I'm Not There.

Will Wonders Never Cease?

A reason not to be fanatically apathetic about Mary-Kate Olsen?



Thanks, Pop Candy

Bad Musical Memory of the Day

I am in the chorus of Guys and Dolls my freshman year in college. After the show my roommate* and I have the following conversation.**

ROOMMATE: Saw the show tonight.

ME: Cool. What didja think?

ROOMMATE: You totally spaced out during the craps scene. It was like you weren't even there.

ME: Fuck.

*Yeah, the roommate was Mr. Best
**I am paraphrasing. This took place a fucking long time ago.

A Musical I Actually Liked

Even after all of my years in theater, I've never considered myself much of a fan of musicals. Some old standards are hard not to love, like Guys and Dolls or The Music Man or My Fair Lady, just to name a few. Though I'm sure it's only because I saw them as a kid, and that's what has really made them endearing to me.

For the most part, to me, musicals just don't fulfill my entertainment needs.

But still, from time-to-time, I'll make it out to see a musical. Usually it's part of the "you're-married-so-you-often-do-stuff-you-really-don't-want-to-do" contract.

That was the case with Wicked, which I did like, but...that's a lot of time, money, and patience to use up in one evening. Glad I went. I guess. No desire to see it again.

This past week I had the pleasure of seeing a performance of Young Frankenstein, the Musical. There's a short run in Seattle as Mel Brooks, Susan Stroman and others fine-tune it for the Broadway premier.

Sure, they're still working on it. It's a little bit too long, a couple of gags were killed by mistakes on and off stage and I'm sure they'll cut a few musical numbers.

But it was good. Really good. I'm a huge, ridiculous fan of the movie and the over-the-top audacity of it translates really well to stage.

Megan Mullaly killed as Elizabeth, the Madeline Kahn role in the movie. They - of course - expanded the role a bit, and with her voice and comedic talent, they needed to.

Sutton Foster is really impressive as Inga, the Teri Garr role. Sexy, funny, and a serious Broadway voice. Did I mention that she has legs that go all the way to Vancouver? I reminded myself who she was with On Demand episodes of Flight of the Conchords. Coco. Brit's girlfriend. They sing a filthy song to her. Great episode.

Andrea Martin is perfect as Frau Blucher, in an expanded role compared to the movie. Cloris Leachman really set the bar in the movie, and I was happily surprised that Ms. Martin pulled it off.

The rest of the cast is more than adequate, though I would have loved to have seen just a bit more insanity from Roger Bart, who plays Dr. Frankenstein. Probably not fair though to be compared to Gene Wilder in what may be his best role. Mr. Bart is best-known for his creepy pharmacist role in Desperate Housewives.

The sets were impressive, the music matched the style and the venue is beautiful.

If you get a chance to see it before it bolts for the great white way, do it.

A funny side note: a friend of mine is the GM of a nice restaurant here in Seattle. They hosted the opening night party for the cast and crew - and Mel showed up, had a quick drink, looked around, saw all of the regular customers, looked at my friend and exclaimed, "Civilians!", waved and walked out the door. I don't blame him. 81 years old and famous - why would he want to be in a room crowded with strangers?

Walk Hard

The new trailer for Walk Hard looks promising. Musical biopics are usually so cheesy and cliched - it's about time they got taken down a notch. Some funny stuff here, and I especially liked Jack White's Elvis impersonation.


Different (and better) trailer here.

TIme to get fuzzy....

The Strange Effects are playing Saturday night at Fuzz Fest NW - 60's garge rock extravaganza with the Strawberry Alarm Clock, Chocolate Watchband and Electric Prunes.

Here's a little "Incense and Peppermints" to make you wonder how the fuck any of that ever happened:


I LOVE a singing drummer. You know, considering that these guys were not exactly teen idols back in the day, I'm a little worried what they look like these days...

Brain Man

This is amazing - the Human Camera:

Live Concert review: Fountains of Wayne at the Wonder Ballroom, Portland, Oregon, 8/16/07

What a weird show. I don't know what it was exactly, but that was the most well-played, yet boring concert I have ever seen. The band played great, were very tight - but with very little energy or excitement. I thought the lead guitarist might fall asleep during the set. I should have made a bet with MJT that he would never change his facial expression during the entire set, and I would have won. So, they were fine, but were really "safe". There was no "edge" there. Sure, it's FOW - you don't want them biting the head's off of bats or anything, but there should be a spark of some kind.

Partly, I think it's because of their music - which I like very much. The problem is, I think, that while their lyrics are clever and funny and unique - there is nothing there to really get passionate about. The songs are all very detatched and self-conscious. How can you really deliver an impassioned show when you're singing a song about a salesman or laser shows or Stacy's mom. Maybe Springsteen could do it (now that I would like to hear - the Boss singing Stacey's Mom), but I doubt it. Artists tend to really get into their material if it means something to them personally, but these guys just like to write well-crafted and funny pop songs.

But, I'm not sure it was just the band. I think the crowd had something to do with it. It was being promoted by KINK FM, the home of boring and tasteful Adult Alternative. You know, Norah Jones, Sarah McLaughlin, John Mayer, James Blunt. Not the worst music in the world, but boring as fuck when you hear more than 2 in a row.

I'm kinda glad to get a way from the usual Portland hipster fuckfest that I see at every show, but if the alternative is aging frat boys in their golf shirts and a large contingent of children then count me out. The audience was well-behaved and mellow and really added absolutely no energy to the show. It's a 2-way street, you know. The band and audience need to feed off each other's energy, but last night they seemed to be feeding off each other's niceness. I guess I have always thought of FOW as being kinda cool and hip, but last night made me think that they're more of a non-threatening family band, like Hootie and the Blowfish or something. Sorry, guys, that was a low blow, but I felt like I was at a theme park or something. And for God's sake, tell your guitar player to lighten up. Or maybe he hates playing for kids, too. Anyway, here's their debut single - still a great song...

How To Dress Like Pete

- Pretend you are 15 years younger than you are

- Do not acknowledge that you have gained 40 lbs in the last 4 years; learn to suck-in your stomach when in front of a mirror

- Never, ever tuck in your shirt

- Do not wear undershirts, unless forced by your wife

- Never wear anything with a brand name on it (unless it's a Cleveland Browns shirt in Portland)

- Never wear golf-type shirts

- Wear Converse until they fall apart on your feet

- Avoid at all costs modern running shoes, the obscene, bloated, over-designed nightmares that they are. Do these people ever actually look at what the fuck is on their feet??

- Never wear white socks, which goes against the previous rule of "Always wear white socks". This change occurred during the great "I Can Wear Colored Socks" revelation of 2001.

- Do wear flip-flops anytime the temperature rises over 65º

- Wear shoes with heels so that you really tower of people, as if being 6' 3" isn't enough. Do this especially when hanging with Crustodio.

- Do wear dark denim (faded jeans: bad) and corduroy, never wear khakis or anything pleated; never spend more than $50 on pants

- Wear only solid colored shirts. Plaids/checks are okay, as long as it's in a Western style. Never wear stripes.

- Wear long-sleeved shirts that have too-short sleeves for your monkey arms

- Be the oldest person in the thrift store who is not a street person

- Wear rock t-shirts with semi-obscure bands, so that the cashiers at Safeway will ask you what the Velvet Underground is or if the Smiths are a band or something

- It is also okay to be wearing your Smiths "Meat is Murder" t-shirt while buying bacon. Life is no longer black and white when you turn 40.

- Never wear or buy a tie, except for weddings (your own)

- Own one black suit. Buy a Western cut suit at the cowboy store one block from your office, so that even though you are wearing a suit, you are still different. Convince your fiancee to let you wear it at the wedding.

- Never learn your sizes, except waist size, which you should obsess about. Suit size, neck size, inseam - fuck that noise. Measure me!

- Own one black baseball cap (New Orleans Saints), wear it until it is ratty, stained and faded. Hint you want a new one for your birthday. Demand a fitted cap, but do not reveal what your hat size is.

- Never wear sweaters

- Be the oldest person on the bus wearing a hoodie

- Ignore any of the above rules if the item of clothes makes you look slimmer or younger

- Surprisingly enjoy a Columbia Sportswear fleece vest your mom sends you for Christmas (see above).

- Make a list where it is clear you are uncomfortable with being over 40 and overweight

- Remember you are younger than Crustodio.

- Post the list on your blog

- Get back to work.

Crap!

"Hello, this is Ticketmaster Customer Service with an important alert for your upcoming event. Lily Allen, scheduled at Crystal Ballroom on Friday, September 14, 2007 at 8:00PM, has been cancelled.

Your credit card will automatically be credited the ticket price and convenience charges, and should post to your account within 7 to 10 business days. Please note, the $3.60 per order processing fee and any ticketFast or UPS delivery charges are non-refundable."

Baby Talk

Funny stuff from Mr. Show alum, Bob Odenkirk:



More here.

Pimp My Credit

I have nothing to add.

Thanks, The Consumerist

Blister In My Memory

Remember how surprised and disappointed you were the first time you heard the Violent Femmes' "Blister in the Sun" playing during a Wendy's commercial.

It felt like I had just caught my girlfriend making out with that rich boy who always had a pound of coke on him. I was pissed.

Looks like I wasn't the only one. Bassist Brian Ritchie sued lead vocalist Gordon Gano for misappropriated royalties - and for using their signature song to sell chili and baked potatoes.

Set me free

The gallant Mr. Ray Davies gets a taste of the New Orleans criminal justice system. I absolutely believe that they forgot to let him know about the trial. That is how they roll down there....

Hee Hot

You can't go wrong with this Jenny Lewis video, also featuring the Watson Twins and Sarah Silverman. Love the Hee Haw homage. Speaking of twins, I used to watch that show quite a bit as a kid, until I happened to see it the first time I took acid. Watching the Hager Twins really freaked me out. I could never watch it again....



Thanks, Scout Radio.

I drew a line for you

And apparently the Karaoke singer crossed it when he decided to sing "Yellow" by Cold Play.

"As soon as the man on stage started singing about the stars in his best Chris Martin impersonation, the woman reportedly said: 'Oh, no, not that song. I can't stand that song!'

Witnesses said her distaste for Coldplay quickly took a violent turn, and she leaped at the would-be crooner, shouting expletives and telling him that his singing 'sucked,' while expressing the same opinion of the song, according to a Seattle police report."

I get it. I don't condone it. But I get it.

Impossible, really

A CNN headline this morning:World's Oldest Person Dies. Now, isn't this impossible? As soon as this nice lady died, there was instantly another world's oldest person. It's not like when a government official or someone dies and they have to decide the order of succession - this is instantaneous, you know. "World's oldest person" is really an ongoing thing. Maybe I'm nitpicking, but shouldn't the headline be "Most Recent World's Oldest Person Dies"?

AT&T Dropped This Call

Reminiscent of their commercials (where calls are dropped at various inopportune moments), AT&T "dropped" the audio feed of a Peal Jam webcast at the most interesting of times.

From the Pearl Jam site:

During the performance of "Daughter" the following lyrics were sung to the tune of Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" but were cut from the webcast:

- "George Bush, leave this world alone." (the second time it was sung); and

- "George Bush find yourself another home."

An outrage to be sure.

And yeah, it shouldn't be a surprise that mega-corporations try to control what we see and hear, but what was AT&T thinking? Two-thirds of the U.S. think Bush is dropping the ball - you'd think they'd go with the numbers on this one.

LOLLAPALOOZA WEBCAST: SPONSORED/CENSORED BY AT&T?

Thanks, AdPulp

2 from McSweeney's

A NOTE PLACED IN THE PAY ENVELOPE OF BILLY "THE PIANO MAN" JOEL.











WHO SAID IT:
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY OR PHIL LEOTARDO FROM THE SOPRANOS?

Buddy List

The Buddy List: The Fifteen Most Dynamic Duos in Pop Culture History. What, no Perfect Strangers?

Thanks, Pop Candy

Umm...should have thought twice about this one

Okay, during the last Superbowl, we were all subjected to this truly awful ad:



It's simple. Get the leads, get the money, get the hot intern to give you a hummer after you drive her to your mansion in your crazy mid-life-crisis sports car.

But holy shit. What the hell? What's happening in this commercial?



That BASTARD.

Thanks, Adhole

Limey go home!

For some unknown reason, the US government has revoked Lily Allen's visa. Could it be because she kicked a photographer in London? Or has the feud-happy Courtney Love pulled some strings to get her ousted? Lily is known for her harsh opinions of other artists. This is my favorite quote/joke of hers:

"Why did Corinne Bailey Rae cross the road?

To get to the middle."

Rimshot!

Anyway, I hope she gets her shit together by September 14th, because we have tickets to see her at the Crystal Ballroom.

My hellish love triangle with George and Eric

Patti Boyd has a new autobiography coming out. Excerpts here. How anyone could leave Beatle George for Elic Crapton, is beyond me.

Patti inspired 2 ofthe greatest love songs of all time, Something and Layla (Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs being the only Crapton album I can stand). Here's a video for Something, featuring the Fab Four with their special ladies. The Cooler had a great comment about this, something to the effect of John, Paul and George expressing their through their beautiful songs, while Ringo expressed his love through minibikes.



Frank Sinatra called this "The greatest love song ever written", but always atributed it to Lennon/McCartney. Knowing George's sense of humor, he probably got a kick out of that.

Local band dies onstage when futuristic minivan crashes through club roof

OK, that didn't really happen, but the photo was screaming for that headline. I didn't even notice the weird optical illusion with the billboard when I took the photo.

Anyway, we did enjoy an explosive set last night. Actually, the most fun I've had onstage with the Strange Effects. Maybe it was the venue - Dante's is a real rock club, with a real PA and a real soundman, and that really makes for a fun show.

But, I was really in the zone last night - I had a perfect rock moment. What are the ingredients of the perfect rock moment? Well, I'll tell you:

- Good, professional venue
- Playing really well and tight
- Playing very loud - but not too loud
- Having just the right level of drunkeness (for me, that's 3 Shirtlesses*)
- Audience menbers visibly getting into it - like, you know, dancing

And the secret ingredient... warm stage lights.

I don't know what it is, but there's something about rocking out, playing really loud, getting loose and boozy, and then being warmed by the lights - it just makes you feel all cozy and loved, like laying out in the sun on a beautiful fall day. Anyway, that is it - when you got all that going on, you're in the zone....

* A Shirtless is vodka, soda and lime, named coined by yours truly in the summer of 2001.

Mmmmm, who wants some fruit?

Don't ever, ever, ever plant a fruit tree. They suck. Here's today's bountiful harvest of disgusting, bug-eaten, soft and rotten pears from the Best backyard. OK, we are trying to ripen a few, but it's rare to find any that aren't majorly blemished in some way.

Can't wait till the neighbor's walnut tree starts dropping hundreds of mutant, pollution-destroyed, evil walnuts into our driveway later this summer. This year, I have a revenge. Every leaf, broken branch and nasty walnut is going back over the fence. He'll never notice - the tree is crammed in behind his house in a dark corner. Like he gives a shit about his yard, anyway. I've never seen the guy, but I think he employs the same decorator as Jame Gumb. I guess it's possible that deranged serial killers could do good yard work, but I kind of doubt it.

Music reccomendation for Crustodio

The new Richard Swift album Dressed Up for the Letdown is pretty great. SInger/songwriter piano-based pop/rock, not as streamlined and smarmy as Ben Folds, but more the cynical character studies of the great Randy Newman.

Boast or warning?

I see this apparently abandoned vintage car every day on my bike ride to work and have wanted to take this picture for ages.

I should mention that the message is scraped into the paint, so maybe it's a permanent problem....?

Browns Post

Sorry. You can expect more of these as we head towards the most wonderful time of the year.

Quarterback Brady Quinn has finally signed with the Browns. After dropping to #22 in the draft (he was predicted a top 5-10), they had some trouble agreeing with how many millions of dollars he would earn at his first real job out of college.

Normally I side with players when it comes to contract issues. In the NFL players can be cut at anytime and have the rest of their contract voided. The owners earn millions just from the appreciation of a franchise. To cap it off, the life span of an NFL player is somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 years lower than the average couch potato.

But Jesus. Sure would have been nice to have the potential quarterback of the future in camp on time. Shave a half-million off and get a chance to start this year, you know?

Regardless, it's a make-or-break year for coach Romeo Crennel. I'm curious to see how quickly he throws the rookie behind center when our current veteran QBs start to struggle. And struggle they will. If you're a Browns fan, you know exactly what I mean.

Todd Philcox, I'm looking at you.

What does Nike want with me?

When your phone rings at 7:30 am, it's generally not great news. When it's from an unfamiliar number it's best to ignore it. At least, that's what I do. I don't like being sandbagged when I'm barely awake. Let them leave a message and then listen to it over coffee and plan a response.

So, the caller from this morning didn't leave a message. I ran the digits through Google, and it turns out to be Nike's corporate office. What the hell do they want with me? I'm scared of these big corporations - why are they fucking with my day?

Leaves a Bad Taste in the Mouth

There's a lot to be said for trying to be "edgy" when an agency presents ad concepts to a client. There's a lot to be said for having a client be receptive to your "edgy" concepts.

It's quite another situation when every single client and agency employee involved are obviously aging frat-boy dickheads.



Leave it in the locker room, boys.

Thanks, Copyranter

Oh, it's Tuesday? Of course, I want to go out and see a band

The Strange Effects finally play a first tier Portland rock club: Dante's. Yes, Tuesday is a shitty night to play, but you gotta start somewhere...

Nerds get hungry, too

Check out these delicious Circuitry Snacks. Can someone make me a giant marshmallow iPod?

Sharper than a serpent's tooth...

It's not really news to anyone that 9/11 "hero" Rudy G is on the outs with his family, - but his daughter has come out in support for Barack "Osama".

Thanks, Slate.

Victims include compulsive masturbator, over-eater, alcoholic, TV watcher, slut, boring accountant

Gee, don't you love how CNN sums up people's lives in a one-word summation: "Bridge victims: 'Homer,' mom, 'chatterbox'". Yes, I'd like to remembered forever as a "chatterbox". (Hmm, I guess using the word "gossip" was going too far.)

Or, "mom" - yeah, forget anything else I ever did in my life, I want to be remebered forever as someone who gave birth - because God knows that's unique.

This has brought up a new fear: The one-word CNN life summation. What would yours be? There could be just the totally bland descriptors:
* Tall man
* Homeowner
* Former Ohioan

Then, there are the slightly more personal:
* Great Dane owner
* Coffee drinker
* Gout sufferer

And the ones you fear:
* Failed musician
* Web Designer
* Obscure blogger

Bad M----- F-----

With all of the crap happening in sports today - Barry Bonds tainting the most sacred baseball record, basketball refs on the take, the virtual destroying of the Tour de France - boxing is starting to look almost respectable.

I'm not a huge fan, but every once in a while a blockbuster fight can really grab my imagination.

This all came to mind when I stumbled across this clip of Mike Tyson knockouts. I don't know how many folks remember how he ruled the sport oh so long ago. Before he was the ear-biting, raping, crazy failure he is now, there was a time when he was one bad mother fucker. Seriously.

Street re-naming update

Ah ha! I thought this whole story was kind of fucked. Turns out that our Portland government cut some corners in the process.

Thanks, Portland Mercury.

Graduation Day

This post is entirely random - but I was scanning some old pictures tonight and I think this one is a classic. My whole group of high school friends together for the last time, in 1982. Left to right, that's Jim Lipocky, Joe Marth, Yours Truly, Kevin Byram, Eric Bruckner and Ben Gulyas. I still keep in touch with Kevin and Ben. Saw a couple of the other guys at our 20 year reunion a few years back.

Joe came out a few years ago and brought his partner to the reunion. God, I was proud of him for doing that - the balls to show up at your high school reunion as a gay guy with a boyfriend - in small town Ohio. Wow. My girlfriend at the time was a bit of a fag hag, so she was in heaven.

Now that I think about it, it's really funny - I am really, really dense sometimes. I mentioned my lack of comprehension during the liquor store shoplifting last week, but this one took the cake. Joe had been the nerdiest of us nerds back then, and when he introduced the guy sitting next to him as his partner, I literally thought, "God, he is still such a dork - he brought his business partner with him"!

About 5 minutes later it dawned on me that the only business they were doing together was still illegal in some southern states. And suddenly, he became the coolest of my friends. I'm hanging with the ballsy gay guy tonight - take that high school oppressors! Like anyone cared.... God bless you, Crestwood Class of '82...