How To Dress Like Pete

- Pretend you are 15 years younger than you are

- Do not acknowledge that you have gained 40 lbs in the last 4 years; learn to suck-in your stomach when in front of a mirror

- Never, ever tuck in your shirt

- Do not wear undershirts, unless forced by your wife

- Never wear anything with a brand name on it (unless it's a Cleveland Browns shirt in Portland)

- Never wear golf-type shirts

- Wear Converse until they fall apart on your feet

- Avoid at all costs modern running shoes, the obscene, bloated, over-designed nightmares that they are. Do these people ever actually look at what the fuck is on their feet??

- Never wear white socks, which goes against the previous rule of "Always wear white socks". This change occurred during the great "I Can Wear Colored Socks" revelation of 2001.

- Do wear flip-flops anytime the temperature rises over 65º

- Wear shoes with heels so that you really tower of people, as if being 6' 3" isn't enough. Do this especially when hanging with Crustodio.

- Do wear dark denim (faded jeans: bad) and corduroy, never wear khakis or anything pleated; never spend more than $50 on pants

- Wear only solid colored shirts. Plaids/checks are okay, as long as it's in a Western style. Never wear stripes.

- Wear long-sleeved shirts that have too-short sleeves for your monkey arms

- Be the oldest person in the thrift store who is not a street person

- Wear rock t-shirts with semi-obscure bands, so that the cashiers at Safeway will ask you what the Velvet Underground is or if the Smiths are a band or something

- It is also okay to be wearing your Smiths "Meat is Murder" t-shirt while buying bacon. Life is no longer black and white when you turn 40.

- Never wear or buy a tie, except for weddings (your own)

- Own one black suit. Buy a Western cut suit at the cowboy store one block from your office, so that even though you are wearing a suit, you are still different. Convince your fiancee to let you wear it at the wedding.

- Never learn your sizes, except waist size, which you should obsess about. Suit size, neck size, inseam - fuck that noise. Measure me!

- Own one black baseball cap (New Orleans Saints), wear it until it is ratty, stained and faded. Hint you want a new one for your birthday. Demand a fitted cap, but do not reveal what your hat size is.

- Never wear sweaters

- Be the oldest person on the bus wearing a hoodie

- Ignore any of the above rules if the item of clothes makes you look slimmer or younger

- Surprisingly enjoy a Columbia Sportswear fleece vest your mom sends you for Christmas (see above).

- Make a list where it is clear you are uncomfortable with being over 40 and overweight

- Remember you are younger than Crustodio.

- Post the list on your blog

- Get back to work.